A Woman Exposed My Husband’s Affair… Now I Don’t Trust Him With My Daughter
A woman, facing terminal cancer, is grappling with the decision to let her husband adopt her daughter after learning he cheated. Despite their love, she no longer trusts his character and is concerned about his ability to make the right choices for their family. Should she go through with her original decision to have him adopt her daughter for Amy’s sake, or is she right to rescind the offer?
This is a really hard situation for me, and I need to know if I’m being unreasonable. I (50F) have been married to my husband, James (47M), for three years, but we’ve been together romantically for five. I’m currently battling terminal esophageal cancer, and it’s likely I’ll enter hospice sometime in 2024. I want to spend my last days at home with my family, and in this time, things have become complicated in ways I never expected.
I have a 10-year-old daughter, Amy, who is actually my niece by blood, but I adopted her when she was one after her biological dad passed away from an overdose, and my sister is still in prison. To me, Amy is my daughter in every sense of the word, and that’s how I want everyone to see her, even though she’s not biologically mine.
My husband, James, and I have talked about him adopting Amy for a while. The idea first came up about two years ago, but as I got sicker, it fell to the backburner. Then, two months ago, I found out that James had a one-night stand with a coworker about four years ago. We were going through a rough patch at the time, but he still cheated, and I just found out about it. He admitted to it, blaming it on being drunk, but he never told me about it until the coworker came forward and exposed him.
I feel completely betrayed by this. I know he hasn’t cheated since then, and I don’t really suspect him of cheating again, but it’s hard to let go of the fact that he made such a huge mistake. He’s begging me not to divorce him, saying he wants to take care of me in my final months and that he needs the health insurance. But more than that, he’s been agonizing over adopting Amy. He keeps saying he loves her and that this one mistake shouldn’t take away his ability to care for her. He argues that it would hurt Amy if I didn’t let him adopt her, especially when the state could take over after I pass away.
Here’s where I’m struggling. I initially planned for James to adopt Amy, and I had agreed to it because I thought we were a family. But now, after what happened, I don’t know if I can go through with it. He cheated, and I can’t shake the feeling that his character is flawed. I worry that if he could cheat once, he might do it again, and worse, that he might let his impulses cloud his judgment in matters that are more important than sex—like who he chooses to have in Amy’s life if something happens to me.
I know this sounds harsh, but it really bothers me that James isn’t as remorseful as I feel he should be. He says he deserves any punishment regarding our marriage, but he insists that this punishment shouldn’t extend to Amy. But I just can’t get over the fact that I trusted him to help raise her, and now I’m not sure I can.
James has been pushing me to do this “for Amy” and has even reminded me that I don’t have any other close family to step in. My parents are dead, and my only relative on my side is on welfare with five kids of her own. I know James wants to do the right thing for Amy, but I’m not convinced that he’s the right person to do it, especially after what he did. I’ve even consulted with a lawyer about divorce because I feel that, had I been healthy, I would’ve left him already. But now I’m stuck in this situation where I’m worried that, by not letting him adopt Amy, I’ll be causing more harm to her than good.
So, here I am. I’m dying, and I’m not sure what to do. I’m considering rescinding my offer for him to adopt Amy because I don’t trust him anymore. But is that the right thing to do? Should I go through with the adoption for Amy’s sake, or is it okay for me to reconsider based on what happened?
Am I the asshole for going back on my decision?
