Am I Wrong for Telling My Girlfriend to Get in Shape if She Wants Me to?

It’s tough when fitness becomes a point of contention in a relationship. In this case, one guy, who’s had a history of being a top-level athlete, is facing criticism from his girlfriend for not being in the kind of shape she wants him to be in. When he pushes back, asking for the same from her, things go south fast. But does he have a point, or is he crossing a line by placing this expectation on her?

This situation seems pretty relatable for anyone who’s ever had to navigate personal goals or body image expectations within a relationship. You’re in your 30s, you’ve been fit in the past, and you’ve got a solid career, yet your girlfriend has started pushing you to “get back in shape” for the sake of appearances. Her request is somewhat based on a new influence—her friend’s new personal trainer boyfriend, who’s got a six-pack and the physique of a fitness model. But this has started to feel like more of a demand than a suggestion.

First, let’s break down your side. You’re someone who has a history of incredible athleticism. You were a Division 1 swimmer with Olympic dreams, and even though you’re not in peak condition anymore, you still stay active—swimming, snowboarding, surfing. Your career is demanding, you travel often, and you enjoy a great lifestyle. You’re not exactly sitting on the couch all day, and you’re proud of the balance you’ve achieved. So, when your girlfriend says you need to get in better shape, you explain all of this, but it keeps coming up. Then, you made a comment, suggesting that if she wants you to get fit, she should also focus on her own fitness—specifically, hitting 20% body fat, like runway models.

You probably thought that was a fair exchange. But now she’s upset, claiming you only care about her looks, and you’re left wondering if you’ve gone too far.

What’s the Problem Here?

The main issue seems to be this mismatch in expectations. Your girlfriend wants you to “get back in shape,” which implies she’s looking for physical changes that align more with the fitness model standard, possibly driven by comparisons to her friend’s new boyfriend. It’s not just about health—it’s about appearance, which is where things can get a little murky. It’s clear that her focus is more about aesthetics than wellness, and that’s a valid concern for you.

Now, you’ve pushed back by suggesting that if she expects you to meet these expectations, she should hold herself to the same standard. Fair enough, right? After all, relationships are about equality. If you’re both asking for physical changes in one another, it feels reasonable that both of you should be on the same page about fitness and body image. But here’s where the tension lies: she feels like you’re focusing on her appearance and not her personality or character, which makes her feel like you’re not valuing her beyond how she looks. For her, it might feel like a deeper issue about self-worth rather than just fitness.

Is Fitness a Valid Expectation in a Relationship?

Here’s the thing: fitness should not be something that’s forced onto someone, especially if it’s being used as a measure of their worth in a relationship. It’s one thing to encourage each other to be healthy and live an active lifestyle, but it’s another to expect a specific body type or level of physical fitness from someone. Body image expectations can really affect how both partners feel about themselves and each other.

For you, it sounds like you’re fine with how you’re maintaining your health and fitness, given the context of your life. You don’t necessarily want to live up to some ideal standard for the sake of looks. That’s completely valid—fitness is personal, and we all have different reasons for staying active, from physical health to mental well-being.

But her constant pushing for you to be more fit likely stems from a desire to see you as the best version of yourself, which is an understandable goal in a relationship. However, the way it’s being framed—centered on physical appearance and “showing you off”—creates pressure and takes away from the more genuine aspects of a relationship.

The Equal Expectations Dilemma

Your request that she also focus on fitness can be seen as a way of leveling the playing field. If fitness is important to her in the relationship, why wouldn’t it be something both of you work on together? But asking her to get to a specific body fat percentage, particularly one that’s associated with runway models, is where things get tricky. It crosses into objectifying territory, which can be uncomfortable for someone who might feel like their value is being reduced to their appearance.

Fitness should ideally be about health, not about matching someone else’s ideal standard. Setting a goal for yourself or your partner that isn’t tied to an unrealistic body image is key in creating a healthy dynamic.

A Better Approach

So, what might a healthier approach look like? Instead of focusing on specific body goals, perhaps the focus could shift to improving overall health and well-being together. For example, you could both agree to get more active together, doing activities that benefit both of you—like hiking, yoga, or swimming. The focus should be on enjoying an active, healthy lifestyle rather than achieving a particular body type.

Communicating openly about fitness goals in a relationship is important, but so is respecting each other’s individual journey. It’s also crucial to remember that relationships should be about appreciating each other for who you are, not just how you look. It’s about encouraging growth together in ways that make you both feel good about yourselves.

Several readers reacted with anger towards the woman, but her boyfriend said there’s more to the story

So, are you the asshole? It depends on how you look at it. From your perspective, you’re asking for fairness—if she wants you to get fit, she should work on her fitness too. But from her perspective, your focus on her body might feel more hurtful than helpful, especially if she’s feeling pressure to meet some unrealistic standard.

Ultimately, it’s important to strike a balance between healthy fitness goals and valuing each other beyond just appearance. Relationships are complex, and sometimes a simple shift in how we communicate our expectations can go a long way in making sure both partners feel respected and understood.