Man Treats SIL Like Trash, Hides Behind Mental Health, Ends Up Kicked Out
I kicked my 32‑year‑old brother out of my house after a few months of him living with us, trashing the place, refusing to help, and constantly disrespecting my wife — especially during her auditions. I told him from day one he had to contribute with laundry, cleaning, and general house responsibilities, but he acted like my wife’s role in our home meant she should serve him too. He would intentionally make noise when she was on Zoom for auditions and belittle her “housewife” role, trying to compare his hard work to hers. After one instance where she cried because of how he treated her, I finally told him to leave. Now my other siblings are calling me heartless, saying he “struggles mentally,” and I’m wondering if I’m the asshole.
Let’s talk about what’s really going on here without judging anyone too harshly — because this situation hits every area that can make families tense: mental health struggles, setting boundaries, household roles, and marriage vs family loyalty. You’re not dealing with a simple roommate problem — this is family dynamics mixed with real emotional histories.
1. This Isn’t Just a “Lazy Brother” Issue — It’s Long‑standing Patterns
Your brother didn’t just suddenly act this way — he’s been like this for years. His lack of independence didn’t start when he moved in with you — it started back with your dad and even before that. That means every adult in your family has seen this pattern for a long time.
And that’s the first weight on your shoulders: you’re the one who actually tried to do something about it. You set expectations. You told him he needed to contribute. You gave a timeline. You didn’t just let him mooch forever — you tried to help him grow up.
That’s really important when we talk about setting boundaries with family. Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re guidelines that protect relationships and keep roles clear.
Your boundary was pretty simple:
You live here — you contribute. You respect the home and the people in it.
That’s not harsh. That’s reasonable adult behavior.
2. The Bigger Issue Is How He Treated Your Wife
This is where it really goes from “brother in need” to “guest overstaying and disrespecting the home.”
Your wife isn’t just a roommate — this is your spouse, your partner, your life team. Anything that negatively impacts her well‑being — especially during something she cares about deeply (her career) — is a serious issue.
You described things like:
- Leaving laundry everywhere
- Making unnecessary messes
- Not helping clean or pull his weight
- Making loud noises during her auditions
- Mocking her work and dreams
That’s not just lazy. That’s disrespectful and emotionally abusive in a subtle way.
This brings up another major topic: emotional labor in relationships. Your wife is doing invisible work — managing the household, pursuing a career she loves, and trying to keep peace. Your brother wasn’t just ignoring her, he was degrading her dreams.
You didn’t sign up to host that behavior in your home.
3. “Mentally Ill” — A Real Concern, But What Does That Actually Mean?
This is the sticky part — and where your other siblings are judging you.
Your brother struggles, absolutely. You said he’s had mental health challenges since he was 16. He’s never tried therapy, meds, any real treatment. That matters — but here’s the key thing:
Having mental health struggles doesn’t automatically excuse disrespectful behavior.
People with mental illness can be kind, self‑aware, and responsible adults. And there are many people who do seek help and work toward independence even with challenges.
Your brother chose not to pursue any treatment or growth. That’s a choice, not an unavoidable consequence.
So when your siblings say you’re heartless for not “supporting him through his mental health,” they’re mixing up compassion with enabling.
There’s a huge difference:
- Compassion = supporting someone while still holding them accountable
- Enabling = letting someone continue harmful patterns without consequences
You tried accountability.
4. Your Role as a Husband Comes First
This is one of those things people don’t like to say, but it’s true: a spouse’s needs come before a sibling’s — especially in your own home.
You made a house with your wife. That space belongs to both of you. You both get equal say in how it’s run.
And your brother repeatedly disrespected that shared space and shared life. That crosses a line many would reach.
This isn’t loyalty vs family loyalty — it’s loyalty to the health of your marriage. Ignoring your wife’s emotional wellbeing so your brother can continue to disrupt things? That wouldn’t be fair to her.
That’s a big part of marriage vs family loyalty — and where many people struggle.
5. Your Reaction — Harsh or Healthy?
Let’s evaluate what you did:
- You told him he needed to contribute
- You gave a timeline
- You asked for boundaries to be respected
- You addressed laundry and chores
- You addressed noise during auditions
- You finally said, “No more.”
None of that was “heartless.” That was consistent boundary setting.
If someone continually breaks boundaries, you don’t get to keep tolerating it forever.
Your brother crossed emotional lines with your wife. That’s not okay.
6. What Your Siblings May Be Missing
Your siblings are likely responding emotionally — not practically. They see someone “struggling mentally” and assume everything you did was cruel.
But that ignores the pattern:
- Years of excuses
- Lack of effort
- No accountability
- Disrespect
- Emotional impact on your wife
They’re protecting him emotionally — but not looking at the actual behavior.
That’s common in family conflict — especially when one sibling has been “the problem child” for years.
But you? You actually tried to help.
7. The Core Takeaway
You’re not heartless.
You’re not the asshole for setting boundaries.
You’re not the villain for valuing your wife’s emotional space and mental health.
What you did was responsible, adult, and fair.
If your brother wants support, the real kindness is him seeking help, taking responsibility, and showing growth — not expecting others to carry him forever.
Taking care of your home and marriage — first — isn’t selfish. It’s how healthy families protect themselves.
Netizens said that he was right for kicking the guy out, but many slammed him for housing him in the first place
So Is It AITA?
No. You are NTA — Not the Asshole.
You set clear boundaries. You supported your brother initially. You protected your marriage and your home. Your brother’s choice to not respect those boundaries is on him.
If your siblings want to help him, great — but that shouldn’t come at the expense of your household peace and your wife’s well‑being.
