Daughter-in-Law Fed Up with Controlling MIL Who Makes Plans Without Her Consent, Takes a Stand

My MIL is very family-oriented, but her idea of spending time together can be a bit much. After booking multiple vacations, theater tickets, and other activities without checking with us, she went ahead and planned another “family vacation” this Christmas—a ski trip in May. The problem? She didn’t ask us if we wanted to go or if the dates worked for us, and I really don’t want to spend my maternity leave driving six hours to a ski town with a baby. My husband wants to make it work, but I think this is crossing a line. Am I being unreasonable for refusing to go and asking my MIL to check with us before booking anything in the future?

Let me explain. My MIL has always been extremely family-oriented, which on the surface is lovely, but it comes with a few challenges. She’s been widowed for about 10 years, and I understand that she craves family time. I’m married to her eldest son, and we have a baby. My BIL (husband’s brother) is also married with a toddler, so we’re a busy bunch.

Before any of us had kids, my MIL would plan family vacations using a timeshare system she has. These trips were often in places that didn’t really interest us, and she would book everything without asking us if the dates worked, if we wanted to go, or if we even had the energy to do it. A lot of times, we would drive three or more hours to a place that didn’t really have much to offer, and we would have to stay with her, which meant days of awkward family time. We made sure to bring up that it would be great if she checked with us first before booking things, but it didn’t seem to stick.

I thought maybe she was getting the message, especially after we mentioned it a few times. But then came Christmas. This year, she “gifted” us all a week-long family vacation in a ski town in May. The catch? She had already booked everything, including accommodations, and expected us to just show up. The trip is six hours away from us, but closer for her and my BIL and SIL. The dates, of course, were picked without consulting us, and she picked it specifically because it’s before I go back to work after maternity leave.

Now, here’s where I’m struggling. Being on maternity leave doesn’t automatically mean I’m available for everything, and just because I’m not working doesn’t mean I want to drop everything and spend money on a trip I didn’t ask for. I don’t want to go on this vacation for a few reasons—first, I’m still getting used to life with a baby, second, it’s a six-hour drive, and third, the whole thing just feels forced. It’s not a vacation I would choose for myself, and honestly, I don’t feel like I should have to go just because she thinks it’s a nice gesture.

The Problem with How She Handled It

If my MIL had asked me beforehand, it would’ve been a completely different story. If she had said, “I want to celebrate my work anniversary by taking the family on a vacation,” and checked to see if the dates worked for everyone, I would have understood where she was coming from and would’ve considered going. It wouldn’t have felt like this huge imposition, and I would have felt more respected in the decision-making process.

But instead, she went ahead and booked everything, expecting us all to just follow along, and that really rubbed me the wrong way. The lack of communication feels infantilizing, like she doesn’t trust us to make our own decisions or have a say in how we spend our time and money. It also feels a little manipulative, like she’s trying to force family time on us under the guise of giving us a “gift.” It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with her, but I want to do it on my own terms, not because I’m guilted into it or because she made the arrangements without us.

The Family’s Reaction

Now, I’m not the only one who isn’t thrilled about this. My BIL and SIL are also not certain they can get time off work, but they’re still willing to try to make it work. My husband, of course, wants to support his mom and make this vacation happen. He’s been pushing me to go, saying that it’s important to her, and I should be more understanding. But here’s where I draw the line: it’s not just about her. It’s about how she’s made this decision for us without asking, and I think that’s a huge issue.

I’ve told my husband that I’m not going to go unless we have a conversation with my MIL. We need to set clear boundaries about how family plans should be made. I explained that if we don’t address it now, it will just keep happening, and I can’t keep going along with it. I also told him that if we don’t have this conversation, I won’t be going on this vacation—nor will her exclusively breastfed grandchild.

My Husband’s Response

My husband is caught in the middle. He doesn’t want to disappoint his mom, but he also doesn’t want to go against me. He’s tried to get me to look at it from her perspective, but I’m struggling to do that when it feels like she’s been ignoring our wishes for so long. I understand she wants family time, but that doesn’t mean I should just go along with whatever she plans, especially when it inconveniences us and doesn’t respect our personal boundaries.

Netizens instantly gave the poster a reality check that she didn’t have a mother-in-law problem, but a husband problem

So, AITA for refusing to go on this “gifted” vacation? I feel like I’m in the right to say no, especially since we’ve had conversations about how she needs to check with us first before making these plans. But I also don’t want to come across as ungrateful or hurt her feelings. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to establish boundaries about family vacations, or should I just suck it up and go along with it?